Binding nature of desires

 Do desires inherently result in sorrow? In a discourse, I learned about the qualities of desire and there was one particular thought that gave so much clarity.

Desires are considered good if they meet the following three criteria:

1. They must be legitimate and dharmic. We don't intentionally hurt others to fulfill our desires

2. They must be moderate. Even if it is a dharmic desire, we might indulge too much in its pursuit that we forget to take time to work on our inner self

3. Most importantly, they must be non-binding. 

This third point struck a chord when I heard the example given by the speaker. Suppose, you like to have a cup of coffee every morning as soon as you wake up. This is a desire, but it becomes binding when you get irritated/upset/angry on those mornings when you cannot get that cup of coffee. You might be traveling in a remote location or your milk delivery person might be delayed. You are bound to that desire to have coffee so much that it dictates your emotional start to the day.

Our day-to-day routine is seemingly filled with so many binding desires. We desire to reach our destination on time, but the cab isn't available, the driver cancels our trip or we get stuck in a traffic jam. 

Binding desires impact our psychological stability like minor earthquakes now and then. Behind every strong negative emotion - fear, anxiety, anger, frustration, helplessness, insecurity, and perceived lack of control, there is a binding desire if we introspect deeply. Taking medications or other treatments to address the symptoms won't make much difference unless we address the root cause.

Timeless Classics

 I spent more than an hour this morning, cleaning and organizing a multi-utility wardrobe. This is a long-pending task that I have been procrastinating on for months. After a light breakfast, I got started with the work. The much-needed companion is my favorite 7+ hour Illayaraaja playlist on Spotify. Most of the songs are Raaja classics from the 80s. The seemingly boring task suddenly turned into a refreshing activity, thanks to Raaja's magical tunes and SPB/Chitra/Mano's evergreen voice.

To be honest, in the last 2-3 years, I haven't come across a single soul-stirring tune that I repeatedly listened to. Vendhu Thanindadhu Kaadu (VTK) by ARR was the last album that I enjoyed. Post that, most of the songs are so jarring, unbearable, and migraine-triggering. Sometimes I wonder if the music industry itself has undergone a drastic change or is it that my ability to appreciate new music has gone down. Nevertheless, thanks to 80s Raaja, 90s/2000s/2010s ARR, 2000s Harris, 2000s Yuvan, and 2000s Vidyasagar, we have a precious repertoire of albums and soulful tunes that we can hold on to for years to come!

Book Review: Bad Therapy by Abigail Shrier

One extreme used to say, "Others' feelings are more important than mine",while the other extreme is now loudly declaring, "My feelings are the most important. I don't care about how others feel".

As always, extremes are the reason behind many problems today. Parents are misguided by the so-called parenting Insta experts to be on their guard and keep track of every single feeling and emotion of their child. "So how does that make you feel?" - a therapist-sounding question has now become common parlance among young parents, thanks to "gentle parenting" forums and workshops.

"Bad Therapy - Why the Kids aren't Growing Up" by Abigail Shrier is a much-needed book that gives an important perspective on modern-day parenting. She reiterates multiple times throughout the book that there are certain conditions (bipolar, schizophrenia, chronic depression, etc), where therapy is required and she doesn't deny the value it brings to the table. However, she also points out how it is being misused and the repercussions of it, especially among teenagers.

Though the context and examples are set in the US, urban Indian parents can relate to many of the issues discussed. It was eye-opening (and shocking!) to read about the diagnosis and treatment protocols that are prescribed under the pretext of mental health. Though the title focuses on "therapy", the author provides how the entire ecosystem has been incentivized - schools, therapists, counselors, parenting "gurus" - to quickly diagnose, label and medicate young children and teens. 

She brings up the issue of iatrogenesis - how therapy can make things worse and lists down ten indicators of Bad Therapy with relevant examples. These indicators are evident in the content strategy of many Insta-only psychologists who mint money through expensive courses and workshops.

In this age of social media, she points out the trend to use mental issues as a conversation piece among certain people, in return to gain sympathy and attention and to create an identity with the diagnoses.

The chapters on surveys bring up the negative repercussions of assessments that hunt for data related to mental health and implant new ideas and concerns in the minds of middle and high-school children, which are being circulated in public schools. The author also brings up the issues behind the gentle parenting trend that prevents kids from building resilience and functioning in a community, expecting accommodation and seeking avoidance when a challenge comes forth.

A must-read book for parents. Mental health ailments are supposedly the new pandemic and there is a thriving ecosystem that is pushing this agenda big time among children and teenagers.