- Fear of failure
- Fear of criticism
- Desire to be right always
- Conscious efforts to avoid situations that might lead to others finding fault
- Pursuing perfectionism
- Not being able to tolerate mistakes in oneself
- Avoiding risks
- High self-expectations
All these traits are interlinked and often come together as a package. A person will often end up having more than one of these traits. These could be considered branches of the same tree. But what is the seed of this tree?
Is it CONDITIONING?
Not really. Though conditioning plays a vital role in cementing these traits, it isn't necessarily the seed from which they might have originated. Conditioning - be it social, family, or peers - can be considered as the manure that nurtures this tree.
Is it the EGO?
Not really. The ego is an enabler of these traits, but it doesn't necessarily create them in the first place. These traits take shape from childhood, even before the ego has a firm hold on one's self. The ego can be considered as the root that holds this tree.
What really could be the seed? As I thought about this question, the answer that struck me was "SEEKING ACCEPTANCE AND AFFECTION".
A young child seeks acceptance for who he/she is, even before the ego sprouts.
When these were denied or when these were conditional during childhood, the above traits start to show up one after another.
A few example scenarios:
"You do this work properly, then I'll appreciate you"
"Wow, you won these awards. Let me hug you"
"You can't do this. Your hands are weak. Let me handle it for you"
When acceptance and affection come more from a place of "doing" than from a place of "being", we start to place more importance on what we do, how we do it, and how well we do as compared to others. As this behavior gets reinforced through conditioning, the roots of ego deepen and set a strong hold on us.
Ego isn't confined to how we relate to others but plays a significant role in how we treat ourselves as well.
Self-acceptance, allowing ourselves to make mistakes, and being kind to ourselves - are some of the ways by which the nature of this seed that was planted during childhood can be altered.